Tag Archives: smart ass

How to not be a rapist: 5 easy tips for guys!!!

In recent weeks, there have been a number of super-duper helpful articles written on how woman can avoid being a rape victim. Surely it must be a sign that the media is dominated by feminazis that no one has bothered to write anything for us men on how not to be a rape perpetrator. Does no one care enough to help us???

Well take heart, fellas. I’m here to help. Now, whilst the dearth of articles written to tell men how to not rape someone might give you the impression that it’s very difficult to not become a rapist, it’s actually quite easy! Follow these 5 helpful tips and you’ll be not-a-rapist in no time!

1. Don’t binge drink

This is how it starts

I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt here and assuming that, deep down, you don’t want to be a rapist. Well, when you’re heavily intoxicated, your judgment is clouded, and you do things you would normally know that you shouldn’t. Like riding a bike off a rooftop. Or trying to light your farts on fire. Or raping someone.

The findings from different studies on this are all over the place (anywhere from one-third to three-quarters of rape perpetrators had consumed alcohol in different studies), but it seems safe to say that, if you’re a good guy who doesn’t want to rape anyone, you have a better chance of success if you don’t binge drink.

2. Don’t listen to Top 40 music

She’s not just a piece of meat, even if her dress IS

I’m not just talking about Robin Thicke’s Blurred Lines, although that song is indeed dreadful. Songs like Do what U want by Lady Gaga and R. Kelly or Last Friday Night(TGIF) by Katy Perry might give you the mistaken impression that women are all too happy to be treated like sexual playthings or that, when she awakes in the morning, a woman will whimsically laugh off the fact that someone had sex with her while she was unconscious.

It might be helpful to remember that these artists are not writing songs that reflect their innermost feelings or desires (if they even write their own songs at all); rather, they are just trying to mass-produce crap to appeal to the lowest-common denominator, so if a song seems to just be telling you what you want to hear, it is!

Oooh, BONUS POINTS! Not listening to Top 40 hits will also increase your hipster points by allowing you to say cool things like “Yeah, I’m just not up on all that mainstream shit anymore.”

3. Don’t join a frat

Academic studies have found that fraternity members are up to three times more likely to commit rape than non-fraternity members on college campuses. So if you want to reduce your exposure to negative influences that might persuade you to rape someone, don’t join a frat!

And don’t worry, there are tons of other fun clubs and societies on campus where you can meet friends, have fun and develop personally and academically.

4. Watch this video

I suppose the reason some men become rapists is because they imagine themselves to be so attractive and alluring, that they never bother to ask whether someone wants to have sex with them; they just assume everyone does! If that’s you, (and research suggests that the majority of people consider their own looks to be above average), then maybe watching this video every day will help you to realise that you’re less attractive than you think:

5. Consider the life of a registered sex-offender

There is a strange, recurring theme in American society: we don’t do much to try to prevent people from becoming criminals, but once someone has been convicted of a crime, we go apeshit on them and punish with a vengeance. As you’ll notice, the US spends more on prisons than schools, suggesting we’d much rather spend money to lock someone away than to try to educate them to give them other, non-criminal options in life.

Nowhere is this tendency more noticeable than when it comes to sex offences. Like I said, there aren’t many helpful voices telling young men how to not be rapists. But if you ARE convicted of any sexual offence, you can expect to end up on a sex offenders registry, where your life will become a living hell. I’m talking signs on your front-lawn (if you can find a neighbourhood that meets the stringent residency restrictions for registered sex offenders), your face unexpectedly showing up on local news stories about perverts in the community, and difficulty finding a job.

So if there’s any chance that someone might not be emphatically 100% on board with having sex with you, think about what your life might be like if you were on a sex offenders registry. That should do the trick 

And if you’re not from the US, don’t worry! Lots of countries now have sex offender registries!

This blog’s first “HA! Told you so” moment

My blogging career is but a few weeks old and already I’ve been afforded an opportunity to strut and preen.  The occasion is my prescience two weeks ago in writing that oil-rich autocratic regimes (and China) ought to be more frightened by events  in Bahrain than Egypt.  Saudi Arabia took note yesterday and sent 1,000 troops to Bahrain (their neighbour via a 25km causeway) to help prop up Bahrain’s ruling Khalifa royal family.  This was at the request of the Bahraini government, so it was ostensibly their idea, but there is absolutely no doubt that the House of Saud’s  intention is to demonstrate to their citizens that they do not want Bahrain’s story to be replayed in Saudi Arabia.

Bahrain’s revolution, if we can yet call it that, has been going on for a

You can almost feel the rage

month now, since a “Day of Rage” was called for in Pearl Square in the capital, Manama. So far, the Saudi kingdom has not seen a need to get explicitly involved in the Bahraini situation (although domestically, King Abdullah has thrown $36 billion at his people to stave off any unrest).

BUT last week, from my observance, there seemed to be a turning point.  The Pearl Square protesters went from demanding things of the king (e.g. ending discrimination against Shi’ites in housing and government jobs, dissolving the cabinet, etc.) to demanding that the king himself leave.  The Saudis next door probably felt that, if the first sort of protest were mimicked in Saudi Arabia, they could handle it.  But demanding the removal of a monarch was a step too far, and thus the intervention.

The Saudis are right to worry about “contagion.”  Some might suggest that Bahrain is Saudi Arabia in miniature.  I would still maintain that Bahrain is Saudi Arabia (and Kuwait and UAE and Iran, etc.) in the future: Bahrain is already starting to run out of the oil and natural gas that made the Khalifa family rich, and will probably be the first Gulf state to run out of oil reserves.

With all this said, I really don’t think that Saudi Arabia’s intervention in Bahrain will spark a regional conflict that will draw in Iran, as some are suggesting.  There are plenty of reasons why this is the case, but that’s all I ‘ll say for now.

Final thought: What a rough year for Wiz Khalifa.  First the Steelers lost the Super Bowl, and now his fam got haterz.